


The Proper Care and Feeding of a Hulk

by Susurrus



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, NOT Bruce/Tony
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-26
Updated: 2016-04-11
Packaged: 2018-04-28 05:18:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5079361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Susurrus/pseuds/Susurrus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony starts hanging out with Hulk post-battle, somehow they end up dating, and Bruce isn't quite sure what to do about this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Fill for [this prompt](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/5758.html?thread=6854526#t6854526). Also my first fic, so please comment and let me know what you think - I'm not afraid of a little constructive criticism. :)
> 
> Not sure how many chapters this'll be, but I'll try to update as regularly as I can. Hope you enjoy!

Tony wondered morosely how he always got stuck with Hulk round up duty after battles. He was the one flying around in a metal suit, and he definitely didn’t enjoy the luxury of enhanced healing. Not that he worried about being smashed, of course. Much.

He was pretty sure Hulk didn’t dislike him, or at the very least tolerated him. The rage monster usually ended up wandering the city for a few minutes while Tony trailed a little ways behind. Tony wondered why he didn’t change back as soon as he calmed down, and since he was never one to wonder when he could just pester someone for answers, he decided to ask.

He waited until the giant had wandered around a corner from the rest of the team after a ridiculously short battle (the stupid dog-cat hybrid robots had turned on each other almost immediately, and the only thing really left for the Avengers to do was clean up). Then he swooped down next to Hulk and flipped his visor up.

“Hey there, big guy. Good job today. You sure smashed ‘em good.” Hulk grunted in satisfaction and Tony pressed his advantage. “Don’t get me wrong, I like hanging out with you, but I thought you only came out when Bruce was angry. So I was wondering, why don’t you change back after you’re done smashing?”

Hulk stopped walking and Tony turned to face him, hovering a little off the ground so he was at eye level. Hulk seemed to be struggling with his words, but Tony waited patiently, knowing he usually preferred to communicate in grunts and roars.

Hulk swept a hand out to indicate the city around them, nearly sideswiping Tony in the process. “This. Quiet. Calm. Not like smash.”

Tony blinked in surprise. “You mean you stay because you like the quiet? And then you just… choose to leave? Why? And hang on, I thought you liked smashing?”

Hulk huffed a sigh and shrugged his massive shoulders. “Like smash. Like quiet too. Then… bored. Change.”

Tony snorted with laughter. “So you like the quiet, but you get bored when you don’t have anything to smash?” He looked around for a moment, taking a second to really listen. Hulk was right, it was quiet. Much quieter than the city usually was, with everyone either evacuated or on lockdown until the danger passed. There were no cars honking, no people yelling, no music blaring over the streets. Just calm.

He looked back to Hulk and smiled when he caught his gaze. “Yeah. I like it too. Maybe if we chat for a while you won’t get bored. What do you say?”

Hulk looked at him skeptically for a moment, then shrugged again and sat down right where he was, in the (thankfully empty) street. There was a moment of silence and Tony realized that Hulk was looking up at him expectantly. He couldn’t help it, he giggled. For once in his life someone didn’t want him to shut up – he could get used to this. He smiled brightly and perched on a nearby awning that looked sturdy enough.

“Well alright, what do you want to talk about? Now, I don’t know much about you – I mean, obviously, no one knows much about you since you only ever come out to smash – but I do know Bruce, and excuse the scientist, but I wonder how much you’re like him. Do you like the same food? Do you have the same sense of humor? Do you like math? Hang on, do you even know math? Actually, now that I think about it, do you even know how to read?” Tony paused for breath, surprised. Usually by now someone would have interrupted him and snapped at him to stop asking so many questions.

He beamed at the Hulk again. “I can already tell I’m going to like you. So, out with it! Tell me your secrets and I’ll tell you no lies. Or something like that.”

Hulk was staring at him, but at least he looked amused and not annoyed, so that was probably a good thing. But he didn’t say anything, so Tony prodded him again.

“Maybe let’s start with something easier. What’s your favorite color?”

Hulk frowned, confused. “Favorite color?”

“Yeah, you know, what color do you like the most? Oh my god, can you even see in color?”

At this, Hulk rumbled a low laugh, and it startled Tony into laughing too. “Hulk see color. Favorite… red.”

“What, not green?” Tony teased, laughing again.

“No. Metal man red.”

Tony stopped laughing, oddly touched. “Wow. Well… Thank you, Hulk. Um, do you mind being called Hulk?”

Hulk bared his teeth in a somewhat feral grin. “Hulk is Hulk.”

Tony shook his head in fond exasperation. “Got it. Hulk is Hulk.”

They sat for a moment in silence, Tony rather enjoying his new companion, when Hulk suddenly started shrinking and the green bleached out of his skin. Tony blinked in surprise as a somewhat frazzled Bruce Banner opened his eyes blearily.

“Was it something I said?”


	2. Chapter 2

The next battle a few weeks later took much longer, Avengers chasing the few remaining mutant killer rabbits through the city for hours. When they finally concluded all the fluffy little balls of death had been found, Tony volunteered (for once) to go find and round up Hulk.

When he found him, he swooped in to fly beside him again and said a cheery hello.

Hulk looked at him and cocked his head. “Talk?”

Tony grinned. “I’d love to!” He had to admit, he was somewhat relieved. He’d been worried that Hulk didn’t like him after his abrupt dismissal during their last talk.

“So, mind if I ask why you left the other day? No hard feelings, I’m just wondering.”

“Bored.”

Tony spluttered for a moment. “Bored? You were bored talking to me??”

Hulk eyed him sideways. “About color.”

Tony simply stared for a moment, then muttered crossly, “Well you could have just said so. You didn’t need to leave.”

Hulk frowned. “Change when bored.”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it, you change when you get too bored to stick around. I’m just saying if you’d told me you were bored I could have talked about something more interesting.”

Hulk shook his head, looking frustrated again. “No. Change when bored.”

Tony was getting annoyed now. If Hulk couldn’t understand such a simple concept, maybe they couldn’t strike up the friendship Tony had been hoping for. He took a deep breath and tried to calm down. It wasn’t Hulk’s fault that he couldn’t understand. Tony just needed to explain it better.

“Okay, I understand that you change back when you get bored. What I’m trying to say is that if you just told me you were getting bored I could have-”

A hand shot out to grab Tony, who yelped in surprise. Hulk was gentle, holding him in place and looking at him until Tony stopped squirming.

“Metal man talk. Not listen.”

Tony scoffed angrily. So Hulk was like everyone else. He ignored the pang of hurt that flashed through him and schooled his face into his I’m-richer-than-you-so-I-don’t-care-what-you-think expression.

Hulk shook his head. “Listen. Bruce change when angry. Hulk change when bored.”

For a moment, the gears in Tony’s mind screeched to a halt. Then he immediately felt guilty for so easily assuming that Hulk was the one who couldn’t understand and relieved that he cared enough to keep explaining. Then he started giggling. Bruce changed when he lost control and became angry – Hulk changed when he got _bored_? Once he started giggling, Tony couldn’t stop. Between gasps of laughter he tried to explain to a puzzled Hulk what was so funny, but he soon gave it up as a lost cause.

Hulk put him down gently on the ground and then sat down beside him. “Metal man strange. Not boring.”

Tony smiled at him, flattered. “Thank you. And hey, at least there’s no false pretenses between us. If you’re bored when I’m talking I know you’ll just change back!”

There was something liberating in that, Tony realized. He trusted Hulk, and not just because he changed when he was bored. Tony somehow knew Hulk would never lie to him, or pretend to be something he wasn’t. It made him want to reciprocate.

“And thank you for explaining. I’m sorry I didn’t understand at first, but I’ll try to listen better next time.”

Hulk nodded absently as he looked at the city around them. Apparently he was already past the whole issue. Tony would have thought he would hold a grudge, being a giant green rage monster, but it seemed that his anger was like a flash in the pan, bright and brilliant one second and gone the next.

Tony looked around too, and brightened when he saw a pizza joint.

“Alright, buddy, listen up, because this is an important question. Have you ever tried pizza?”

Hulk merely looked at Tony, blinking.

“Okay, now don’t go anywhere and don’t get bored. I’ll be right back!”

Tony flew into the pizza parlor, which was of course abandoned, and slipped into the kitchen in the back, hoping to find some ready-made pizzas. Sadly, the pizzas in the ovens were burned beyond recognition, but there were a few sitting on cooling racks. He wrote a quick IOU to the owner with Pepper’s number on it – she would take care of it. Then he grabbed the two pizzas and flew back outside, glad to see Hulk was still around.

“Alright, these are cold, but some people love cold pizza so you might as well try it.” He put one of the pizzas in Hulk’s hand, who sniffed it and then took a dainty bite out of the side. Which amounted to about two slices, of course. Hulk chewed thoughtfully and swallowed.

“Well? What’s the verdict, big guy? Deal or no deal?”

Hulk looked down at the pizza again and swallowed the rest of it, chewing loudly. “Hulk like pizza!”

Tony cheered and offered him the other pizza. “Glad to hear it! We’ll have to get you some hot pizza next time, maybe I can make them keep it on the Quinjet.”

Hulk ate the second pizza in two bites and then sighed happily. “Hulk like metal man.”

Tony rolled his eyes and smiled. “Well, they do say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. I can see I’ve captured yours.”

Hulk frowned, puzzled. “Heart? From stomach?”

“No, it’s not literal. It’s a phrase, it means that you can give someone good food to make them really like you.”

“Stomach means food. Heart means like?”

Tony hesitated, unsure how to explain. “Well, even though it’s not true physically, people say emotions come from your heart. So the feeling you get when you smash is from your heart. And the way you feel when the city is quiet and calm? That’s from your heart too.”

“And metal man.”

Tony felt like he was getting pretty good at following Hulk’s sentence fragments, but this one lost him. “Sorry, what?”

“Feeling from quiet city. And from metal man.”

Warmth spread through Tony, and he reached forward to put his hand over Hulk’s. “Thanks, big guy. I like being around you too.”

They sat companionably for a moment until Steve’s voice interjected from the comm system. “Tony, have you found Hulk yet? The city’s waiting for us to give the all clear after we leave so everybody can come out of lockdown.”

Tony sighed with annoyance and looked regretfully at Hulk, but before he could say anything Hulk nodded.

“Time for Bruce.”

“Yeah, time for Bruce. But hey, before you change, thanks. I really do like talking to you.”

Hulk smiled a real, genuine smile, the corners of his eyes crinkling. Tony hadn’t even known he could smile like that, and found himself wanting to make it happen more often. Before he could say anything else, Hulk closed his eyes and began shrinking.

* * *

Tony did manage to have a stack of hot pizzas waiting for Hulk after the next battle, which he presented to him with a flourish. The Avengers had been fighting back-to-back on this one, so everyone gaped at Hulk as he plopped down and happily gulped the pizzas one by one. He got to seven and pushed the rest away. Tony was happy to offer the remaining few pizzas to the group, who quickly demolished them. A super soldier and a god tended to make food disappear quickly. While they were eating and discussing the battle (which mostly involved Steve yelling at Tony for “reckless endangerment” and Clint laughing at him from behind his slice of pizza), Hulk let out a jaw-cracking yawn and looked plaintively at Tony.

“Hulk sleepy.”

Tony wasn’t sure what Hulk wanted him to do about this, but he offered what he could. “Well, if you want to sleep you can, but only until the Quinjet comes to pick us up. Or you could change back into Bruce and let him deal with being sleepy.” Tony shrugged.

Hulk appeared to deliberate over this for a moment, then began shrinking. Tony shook his head fondly and retrieved the bag of clothing they’d stashed nearby when the fight first started, handing it to a mildly embarrassed but resigned Bruce.

When he returned to the group, he realized everyone was staring at him. Luckily, he was used to the spotlight and simply ignored it.

It was Clint who broke the silence, teasing. “So how are you suddenly Hulk’s best friend? I mean, I know he’s a giant green rage monster, but I think he could do better than that.”

“You’re just jealous, Katniss. You wouldn’t even know how to be a best friend.”

Clint laughed and rolled his eyes. Natasha just stared at Tony and raised one eyebrow.

Tony laughed nervously and backpedaled. “I mean, uh, obviously you two are good friends but I’d kind of assumed there was more to it. I mean you’re clearly smoking hot, and Clint, you’re not bad looking yourself, and I figured two secret spy buddies had to be holding out on us and wow no one’s stopped me yet but I’m going to shut up now.”

Clint and Natasha declined to comment, but Steve started in on one of his speeches about team relationships or bonding or group dynamics or some shit like that and Tony tuned him out. Best friend, huh? Yeah, he liked being Hulk’s best friend. He looked forward to the next time they could talk, annoyed that it might be a few weeks until another maniac decided to attack. Then he realized he probably shouldn’t be looking forward to maniacs attacking and decided he needed to take a nap. Or drink a gallon of coffee. Yeah, that sounded good.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *ducks flying fruit* I'm sorry guys, I know it's been forever! I promise I'll try to post the next chapter sooner!
> 
> And thank you so much for the kind comments, they're what motivated me to sit down and write out this chapter. :)

Tony was right, it was several weeks before another battle broke out, but when it did he had pizza waiting for Hulk, and this time he brought several types of soda too. And a crate of hot dogs. Hulk declared the soda delicious but didn’t like the hot dogs since they kept slipping out of the buns when he tried to grab them.

For the next few months, every time Hulk appeared Tony had new food ready for him to try, and after he ate they talked about all sorts of things. Hulk didn’t know anything about Tony’s experiments and innovations, but he was willing to listen to Tony talk about it. And Tony loved telling him about his latest ideas because he was such a wonderful sounding board. Since Tony knew he wasn’t just pretending to be interested, it was very easy to talk to him.

Tony would rattle off his predictions about sub-atomic neural excitation or the implications of gravitational resonance and gesture wildly as he got more and more excited about the idea until he was fairly vibrating with energy. Then Hulk would smile that pure, joyous smile and say, “Hulk like listening to metal man talk.”

As time went on Hulk started speaking longer sentences, but Tony didn’t want to draw attention to it so he simply responded normally and secretly rejoiced at Hulk’s progress. He knew it wasn’t that Hulk was dumb, far from it. Hulk was created from Bruce, who was incredibly smart. Hulk just didn’t much like talking, and saw no reason to talk as much as everyone else.

One swelteringly hot afternoon, Tony was fiddling in his lab and becoming increasingly frustrated when the newest upgrade to his suit refused to cooperate. He wasn’t sure when he’d last eaten or slept and he probably looked a fright (hence why he didn’t keep a mirror in the lab). As he was staring down at his supposedly upgraded reactors in disgust, he realized he really wanted to talk to Hulk. He knew if he could just tell Hulk about his problem, he would figure out what was going wrong, or at the very least feel better.

Would it be rude to ask Bruce to lock himself in the Hulk containment facility in the secret sub-basement and change? Would Hulk be offended if he woke in containment? Tony trusted him, but he knew there was no way Bruce would agree to change unless he was carefully enclosed in a Hulk-proof room.

At that thought, Tony realized his solution. All the other Avengers had a floor on the tower. Why didn’t Hulk have one? A slow grin spread across his face and new energy sparked in his eyes. He dropped the parts he’d been working on and set about planning a comfortable Hulk-sized floor that just so happened to also be Hulk-proof.

* * *

Tony was never good at keeping secrets. A few days after he began feverishly working on his new pet project, he found himself enthusiastically sharing his plans with Bruce, who was a bit more cautious about the whole idea.

“Tony, I just don’t understand why you want to do this. The Hulk is not a person.”

Tony sighed loudly and rolled his eyes. “Bruce, he’s a member of this team as much as anyone else is, and everyone else has their own floor. It would be unfair to deprive him of his own space. Besides, I want him to like me. I’ll score big points if I can make him furniture that can actually support his weight.”

Bruce shook his head in exasperation. “I know you mean well, but this is pointless. He just wants to smash, Tony, he won’t care about furniture.”

Tony just kept right on calculating tensile strength and running simulations, pointedly ignoring Bruce’s exasperated sigh. If he could somehow reinforce the steel base… maybe he could use graphene threading? No, that wouldn’t help unless it was properly laid, which would take way longer than Tony was willing to wait.

The next time Tony looked up, Bruce was gone and he had the feeling a lot of time had passed. On the plus side, he now had a working idea and a whole boatload of materials ordered (literally a full boat was on its way). Oh well, Bruce would just have to deal. Tony knew Hulk better than Bruce did. Actually, now that he stopped to think about it, he knew Hulk better than anyone else. He felt warmed at the thought and was surprised at the possessiveness that ran through him. Although he really shouldn’t be surprised, he did tend to hoard his people. Case in point: Avengers Tower.

Now that he had worked through his ideas, he could feel the wave of exhaustion that always followed a work binge. He stumbled his way over to the couch in the corner (added by Pepper, bless her) and decided he probably wouldn’t get in too much trouble if he passed out for a while.

* * *

A week later, Tony was happily engaged in one of his favorite activities, heckling contractors. He bounced around the new Hulk-sized floor criticizing everything he laid eyes on, deciding on last minute changes, and generally being the construction crew’s worst nightmare. Once he was moderately satisfied, and it had nothing to do with being bodily removed from the premises by his own staff, thank you very much, he decided to go talk to Bruce. Jarvis pointed him to the communal kitchen, where he found Bruce making chocolate chip waffles.

“Are we having breakfast for lunch today?” Tony asked brightly, swiping some chocolate chips.

“No, _I_ am having breakfast for lunch today. _You_ are going to find your own damn food.”

“Don’t get your panties in a twist. I have this weird feeling that you’re about to hit me with a wooden spoon.”

“Don’t tempt me.”

Tony hovered for a moment longer, eyeing the beautiful stack of freshly made waffles and wondering if he could distract Bruce long enough to steal one. He heaved a sigh and gave it up as a bad job, deciding instead to grab a pop tart from Thor’s stash.

“So I know you’re not really thrilled about giving Hulk his own floor, but I guarantee you he will love it, and I even made the whole thing Hulk-proof so you really can’t complain. The contractors will have the whole thing done by Friday, and I know for a fact that you’re not busy on Friday so you have no excuse not to test it out. If it’ll make you feel better we can even get the rest of the team on board to help in case anything goes wrong. Which it won’t, obviously.”

Bruce was silent for a long moment, busy dumping even more chocolate chips over the top of his finished waffles and sitting down to eat them. He took a bite and sighed, giving in. “Alright, Tony. But all the Avengers need to be there and I want the building evacuated beforehand.”

Tony whooped and pumped his fist in the air. “YES! This is gonna be so awesome!”

And with that he happily pranced out of the kitchen back to his lab, humming and pointedly ignoring Bruce’s mumbled, “This is gonna be so awful.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, it's been forever, I'm sorry. I have every intention of getting you another chapter soon, but.... we'll see how that goes. I'll try, I promise.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!

The big day dawned bright and clear – well, Tony assumed it did. He wasn’t awake for the actual dawning, having stumbled to bed at around 5. When he finally did wake up, he practically danced out of bed and ran immediately down to the kitchen to gulp down a few mugs of coffee. When he got downstairs to the common area all the Avengers were already there, barring Natasha. She was apparently on a super-secret spy mission in some part of the world that was definitely not Bulgaria.

Bruce looked resigned to his fate and as grumpy as someone with all that fluffy hair could look, while Clint looked utterly delighted at the whole situation, which was surprising since he was usually the one rocking the grumpy look. Tony blithely ignored Steve’s uncertain glances and Bruce’s general vibe, strutting into the room like he owned the place – which he did, obviously.

After chugging a cup of coffee or three, he turned back to the group and grinned brightly. “Alright, so who’s ready to give Hulk an early Christmas present?” No one replied, but Tony wasn’t going to let a little thing like that stop him. “Everybody ready? What are we waiting for? No time like the present! Carpe diem, allons-y, and so forth. C’mon, guys, why am I the only one excited about this?”

“Tony..” Steve started hesitantly. Before he could gather his thoughts, Tony steamrolled over him, prepared with counters to any possible objection he might have. “Listen. Hulk’s entire floor is surrounded by a cocktail I personally whipped up of the strongest materials known to man, and if you’ve ever met me, you know that means it’s stronger than the official Hulk containment center in the sub-basement. We’re all here, and if nothing else Thor can hold the big guy off until we get him down to containment if that becomes necessary, which it _won’t_. The entire building has been evacuated, it’s just us and the bots in here, so really the worst that could happen is some serious property damage, and we all know how I feel about that. A party’s not a party until there’s been property damage. Now why don’t you all stop doubting me and let’s get this show on the road!”

This seemed to (mostly) win over Steve, Thor looked as jolly as ever, and Clint was still grinning madly for no reason Tony could discern. Bruce heaved a sigh and stood up heavily, leading the way to the elevator as if walking to his execution. Tony slapped him on the back and said brightly, “C’mon, Brucie, you’ve done this hundreds of times – and this time there’s no one around to hurt. You gotta loosen up and live a little, buddy.” Shockingly, this truly inspired pep talk didn’t seem to have any effect.

When the elevator dinged to announce their arrival, Tony could hardly contain his excitement. No one else on the team had seen the floor yet, and Tony may or may not have spent all night putting on the finishing touches. He couldn’t resist letting out a, “Ta-daaaa!” as the doors slid open to reveal the huge space. He had made sure it was tall enough for Hulk to jump up and down in, just in case. He didn’t want the guy to feel cramped in his own rooms!

At first he had thought he would just make a giant version of a typical guest suite, but he knew Hulk probably wouldn’t really like it, and would much rather have exciting new things to experience (especially since he was trying to avoid the whole boredom thing). So Tony instead thought what the hell and basically designed a child’s playroom instead of a living room, with soft mats, bright colors, and several Hulk-proofed toys like giant Legos and Hotwheels. He wasn’t sure if Hulk would ever need to use a bedroom or bathroom, but he put them in anyway just because Hulk had never had his own before. Of course, once he got to that point he had figured he might as well go ridiculously overboard because his reputation was at stake here. So he’d added a custom kitchen complete with Hulk sized appliances and cooking tools on the off chance that Hulk decided to take up cooking – a long shot, he had to admit.

Tony bounced excitedly on the balls of his feet as he watched his fellow superheroes take in the awesomeness that was the Hulk suite. “Okay, let’s go, Brucie! I wanna see Hulk’s reaction!”

Bruce was clearly stunned by the floor, but he quickly softened and sent a pitying look Tony’s way. He obviously still thought Hulk wouldn’t appreciate the floor, but Tony knew better. “Come onnn!” He whined.

With a sigh and one last look at Steve as if hoping for him to change his mind, Bruce took a deep breath. As he breathed in, his chest expanded and then just kept expanding, his body rippling and changing to that familiar deep green. In just a few moments Bruce was gone and Hulk stood in his place, shaking like a dog as if to shake off his other half.

When Hulk blinked and looked around, he looked confused. He looked down at himself and back up at the suite as if he wasn’t sure what was going on. Tony reached up to tap him on the shoulder, realizing belatedly that he wasn’t in the suit. Uhhh.. oops? How had Steve or Bruce not said anything about that? Oh well, he wasn’t worried. It would be completely fine, as long as Hulk liked the floor. And didn’t feel like smashing. And recognized Tony outside the suit.

Tony hastily cleared his throat to explain, hoping to head off any smashing before it began. “Hey, big guy, nice to see ya! There’s nothing to smash here, so you can just, uh, relax.”

Hulk blinked down at Tony for a moment, then frowned. “Metal man. Not metal anymore?”

Tony laughed nervously and patted Hulk’s arm. “No, that’s just a suit, see? Like clothes. I’m always like this under the suit. I only wear that when I need to fight.”

Hulk leaned in close and looked Tony up and down for a moment, then nodded, seemingly satisfied. “What call metal man when not metal man?”

Tony laughed, proud once again of the improvements in Hulk’s speech. “I’m Tony. Nice to meet you.” He held out his hand expectantly, hoping that Hulk had caught on to some human mannerisms while he was in the back of Bruce’s head.

Apparently he had, because he quickly stuck out his own hand and took Tony’s in a careful two-fingered grip. As he gently shook Tony’s hand, Tony became aware of an odd choking sound in the background.

He turned to look at the other Avengers and discovered that the sound was coming from Clint, who was clearly expecting a different outcome from this whole event. Steve looked slightly constipated, but not bad considering, and Thor looked as happy as ever. When Tony looked over at him he perked up and gave his trademark wide grin.

“My friend, I thank you for affording this courtesy to our shield brother! It is most gracious indeed to honor a noble hero with such magnificent chambers!”

“Thanks, big guy.” Tony grinned smugly and cocked an eyebrow at Steve. “See, everything’s just fine! Now I’m going to give Hulk a tour of his new rooms, so you’re all welcome to stay or leave or whatever. Do your thing.”

Steve looked at Tony in disbelief. “Tony, if you think we’re going to leave you alone with the Hulk when you’re not even wearing your suit, then you have even less self-preservation than I thought.”

Tony scowled. “Alright, Cap, your misguided overprotectiveness was almost cute at first, but now it’s really starting to piss me off. Hey Hulk, are you gonna hurt me?”

Hulk stared down in confusion, furrowing his eyebrows. “Hulk hurt Tony? Hulk never hurt Tony!”

Tony patted his side gently, his irritation fading away. “I know you wouldn’t, buddy, don’t worry. It’s just that ole sparkle pants over here seems to think you would.”

Hulk furrowed his eyebrows even further and turned to Steve. “Hulk not hurt Tony! You not hurt Tony! NO ONE HURT TONY!” By the end of his speech he had gotten himself a little worked up and took a step toward Steve, who carefully took an equal step (or two or three) backwards.

Tony leapt forward and got between the two before anything could go seriously wrong. “Hey, hey, hey, look at me, bud. That’s right, look at me, not the Star Spangled Man with a Plan. Me. Tony. You alright there?”

Hulk heaved a big sigh and sat down with a plop, seemingly annoyed, and said petulantly, “Hulk not hurt Spangles either.”

Tony and Steve gaped for a moment before Tony doubled over with laughter, trying to speak between cackles. “He… called you… Spangles!”

Steve frowned disapprovingly, but Tony could swear he was trying not to smile. “Alright, Tony, against my better judgment I am going to leave you two alone. The Hulk clearly likes you, and it doesn’t seem like he’s a threat.” He motioned to Thor and Clint. “You guys coming?”

Clint cocked his head and considered. “Only if you agree to a Mario Kart rematch. I KNOW you cheated last time.”

Steve grinned innocently. “I’m Captain America, I don’t cheat. And you’re on.”

The three were sucked into a debate about the probability of Steve cheating at Mario Kart as they left, Steve sending one last meaningful look over his shoulder at Tony, although what he was trying to say Tony had no idea. He just rolled his eyes and turned back to the Hulk, excited once again.

“So what do you say, Big Guy? You want the grand tour of your new digs?”


End file.
